We all have friends and family that we share history with. And I'd bet that all of you have stories in your past that are hysterically funny. The kind of story that can rock you to your core with laughter at a moments notice. Maybe only a few words need to be spoken. Sort of code words that will ripple through your group or between two of you and bring tears to your eyes. In a humorous way.
I have several of these that I share with all sorts of people, but this week one came to mind. I had just given birth to Gracie. I think maybe two weeks earlier. I had set up a vet appointment for our two dogs, Chester and Winston. And I had made this appointment way before I knew Gracie would be arriving early. I could have rescheduled, but was thinking that Scott would probably take the dogs in for me. As luck would have it, he worked overtime and wasn't able to make the appointment.
I was feeling good. Really good. After a pregnancy plagued with all sorts of complications, I felt like a million bucks. I had a gorgeous and healthy baby. I had lost a ton of my pregnancy weight and I had energy to spare. My baby slept through the night. Life was good. How hard could it be to take the dogs to the vet?
I put Gracie in her car seat. Made sure I had the diaper bag. Hooked the dogs up on their leashes and made sure they did what dogs do before they got in the truck. Off we went. I was singing with the radio. It was a sunny October day. I really couldn't believe how beautiful it was. It was a short drive to the office and I parked right out front. I slung the diaper bag over my shoulder and lifted the carseat out by the handle, balancing Gracie in the crook of my left elbow. To the other side of the truck. I picked up the leashes and out hopped Chester and then Winston. My perfect family.
Just as we step up onto the sidewalk the dogs start to pull. Off to my right a woman has just pulled up in a small car. To the other side of her car she goes and lets out her dog. More like a cow or a horse. I still don't know what it was. Perhaps a mastiff or something. Anyway this tiny woman was trying to coax her larger than life animal into the vet's office. It was not going well for her. Lots of pulling, grunting and empty promises on her part. On the other hand, her dog was resisting and rearing back. The woman looked at me as if to say, could you help? I thought, really, with a diaper bag, baby and two dogs of my own? But I did my best. I said come on buddy, it'll all be over before you know it. It's not so bad. I even tried to enlist my own dogs in the process. Come on boys, I said, let's show this big fella that it's fun to come here. I am not lying when I write this. Both my dogs, on hearing this from me, sat down in protest.
So the bull's owner is still pulling and I notice something. Um, excuse me, I said. I'm not sure how things are up there for you on the north end, but on the south end we have some action. The dog was starting to crown. And I'm right there to bear witness. Now I should mention that I was never sick a day during my pregnancy. Like vomiting sick. I have a stomach of steel. For real.
But when that dog/bull pooped two steaming turds the size of soda cans, I couldn't help it. And these waves of nausea took over my body. What was I going to do? It's not like I can move anywhere fast. There's too much involved. So with my best aim, I puked into the bushes. Did I mention this vet's office is on a very busy street and right across the street from a high school track? Where there were several dozen students running at that exact moment. An audience. Terrific.
The look of horror on the bull owner's face was the final stamp on this humiliating moment. And then she had the nerve to finally get her dog in the door and didn't even mention the remnants on the sidewalk to the receptionist. Unreal. So I did. Not like it could be mistaken for something my dogs left behind. And then I said with utter embarrassment, when you hose off the sidewalk you might want to spray off the shrubs, too. Sorry.
Our appointment went just fine and the dogs, baby and I had a three hour nap when we got home. The appointment had exhausted us. This event happened thirteen years ago. And was randomly brought back to life this week. Good times.