Thursday, March 18, 2010

Feeling Disconnected

I'm feeling disconnected a lot lately. I don't mean on the phone or the computer, just in life. I'm almost always a very calm and laid back person. I make decisions and I make them quickly. I use my gut instinct probably 90 percent of the time. I am not analytical. I do not comparison shop. I am always thinking that there is someone that I would like to spend time with, or a book that I would rather read, or a charity I want to work with. I want to hold my almost 17 year old dog more than I want to spend time comparing prices. And I've mentioned before that I really don't shop much anyway, so this not comparing doesn't bother me too much.

What bothers me is not knowing which direction my family is headed. My husband took a job in another town and is enjoying the work. We miss him---a lot. We have our house up for sale because we know that there is not work in our town for him and apparently not for me, either. We have some options, but you see that's what is making me feel disconnected. I don't know where we are going. It's unnerving to not have some kind of idea where you are headed. I can hear it now from many. The future is not mine to choose. Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans! I've heard these sayings. And to some degree they are all correct.

I guess for the first time in my life, my gut can't tell me much. I haven't trusted it over the past year and maybe this is karma. The moment that we are living right now is sort of like the ninth month of pregnancy. Everything is ready, car seat is installed, feeling uncomfortable---let's get this done! We can't wait for the next chapter. We are fortunate. We are blessed with great family and friends. Scott has a job with benefits. Finances are secure. We have a lot to be thankful for. Just not liking the hurry up and wait mode we're in.

It would be a relief to know what our future holds. But instead of wasting any more time worrying, I'm going to go and hold my old dog and enjoy the moment.
© 2010 Ann M. De Broux

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